Happy Moms Day

What kind of Mother are you?

You're the kind of Mother who took me to the library almost every day when I was young, urging my young mind to grow and soar with imagination.

You're the kind of Mother who fell asleep next to me when I was consumed with night terrors.

You're the kind of mother who spent hours on Ebay bidding on a Bob Dylan book I wanted so badly, just to make sure I got it.

You're the kind of mother who took me to countless doctor appointments when I was scared and confused.


You're the kind of mother who STILL takes me to countless doctor appointments because, even though I am in my thirties, I am STILL scared and confused.

You're the kind of mother who spends her last ten dollars in rolled quarters just so I can have gas to get to work....even if that means you go without.


You're the kind of mother who allowed me to make my own mistakes and decisions growing up.....you would always be there to pick up the pieces

You're the kind of mother who still gives solid advice on relationships, friendships, my self worth, finances, and my never-ending fickleness when it comes to a career.




You're the kind of mother who I can only aspire to be.

You're the kind of mother every child deserves.

Time for a truth bomb......*BOOM!*

It's been quiet in here the past few months...but this isnt to say my mind has been. A lot has happened...a whole fucking lot...I dont think my fingers can type as fast as my mind is racing so I'm going to come out with a few short words to sum up everything......

Fuck. You. 

and 

Fuck you, too. 

Here's the raw deal.....Humans fucking suck. You all make me want to vomit.

I'm sure you all have heard...someone is dead. *GASP* Someone who was pretty famous and iconic and important to a lot of people, but instead of humans doing what they are supposed to do...ya know...MOURN...we turned his death into a political platform. We took this man's tragic death to debate which team is better.

The Right wingers shout:

What a coward! How Selfish! God is sending him straight to hell! 

While the Lefters are just as disgusting...pointing their fingers back and trying to save souls with this mental health awareness bullshit that they wouldnt give two shits about otherwise.

Lets be real here, you people don't know shit about Mental Health or Depression or Suicide. You wouldn't know a depressed person if they were holding the knife right at their throat.

Do you really think that putting your face in a pie and screaming HELLLLOOO is going to change anything?? REALLY???

Please don't misconstrue, I'm all for people, maybe, finally getting the point and actually becoming aware of the rampant suicide rate and underfunded Mental Health facilities and programs this country has. BUT....I know this is all a fad....and in a few weeks, when Mr. Williams is gone and buried and the next big media shit storm hits the fan, humans are going to move onto the next thing that 'may' be worth their time.

So...how about everyone just stop. Just fucking STOP. Open your goddamn eyes.

Depression isnt something you just 'get over.' Suicide is not something you laugh about, or joke about, or 'raise money for.'

It's about caring. It's about empathy. It's about sending a fucking love letter letter to a friend every once in awhile just to say hello. You wanna help someone? Be kind to them. Smile. Say Hello. Show some Human fucking compassion. Have a goddamn soul. Your Money is worthless here.

Ch-ch-ch-Changes!

Someone once said to me: Changing the scenery does not change the situation.

While I have argued and will argue that this statement is undoubtedly true, I am now becoming increasingly aware to the fact that, sometimes, it's the scenery that stops YOU from changing.


Over the course of the past two years, I have worked quite diligently on myself and the inner workings of AMY.

What is it that makes me tick, what makes me smile, what makes me angry, what makes me happy, how much can I handle, what kind of people do I want in my life...etc.

I've devoted so much time and energy focusing on myself, and I am still not fully where I want to be.

Still, I am trying every day to improve.

There is ALWAYS room for improvement. 

The road to self discovery can only be paved by your own self fulfillment....no one else's, so most of my recent time has been spent alone doing the things that I want to do; my humble abode has been my place of solace....

Now, as I have reached another turning point in my life, I am more than ready to pick up all of my newness and move on. I have been feeling less than satisfied with where I am. The scenery in which I am located has been bringing me down...back to a place that I worked so hard to pull myself out of.

While I am by no means blaming this place....this town....this apartment where I lay my head at night, I feel that there is no more work for me to be done here. I have completed my tasks.....achieved all I can achieve...helped all who I can help here.

Everywhere I turn, or shop, or hangout, is  just another bad memory. Another place where my past creeps in and shows me the person I used to be. Reminds me of those demons I used to bear....and usually, they all come creeping back to me....and I react on them. I am done. I'm over it. I have no more care for this place I once called home.

Of course this place will always be a part of me. My family, some people I can still and always will call friends reside here, and those good memories will never leave my heart. But, for me and my sanity, I think it's time for my ruby slippers to click three times and find another place I can truly call...

home sweet home. 

Inspiration, move me brightly....

 Never have I been so moved....

by a being oh so rare.

Embodied in this way.

Quite tragic, really.

Not perfect.

Just you.

Softly whispering to me...

without even realizing.

Heaven.

I am in heaven.

If I could ever have a daughter...

If I could have a daughter, I would do everything in my power to keep her safe, happy, healthy and warm.

If I could ever have a daughter, I would teach her that sticks and stones can and will break her bones, but words.....words can cut deeper than any object.

If I could ever have a daughter I would teach her that the two most important things you can have in this life are Love and Respect....

....but you cannot have one without the other. 

If I could ever have a daughter, she would know the difference between fairy-tales and reality and that she is indeed a princess, despite the presence of a tiara or prince.

If I could ever have a daughter, she would be allowed to play with barbies and look at fashion magazines if she wanted to, but she would know that true beauty comes from within the soul.

If I could ever have a daughter, I would paint her room the night sky, so she would never be fearful of the dark. The sky is a reminder that there are no limits to her life when there are footprints on the moon.

If I could have a daughter, I would teach her the value of a dollar, but the quality of a life.

If I could ever have a daughter, I would remind her just how beautiful the world can be, even when it seems vicious and cruel.

If I could ever have a daughter I would help her realize the importance of her homework, because even though we may not use most of this information as adults, it's the responsibility that we carry with us throughout our lifetime.

If I could ever have a daughter, I would tell her to go after the boy who will eventually break her heart, but remember that her mama will be here waiting at the door with chocolate and a warm embrace. Because there is very little chocolate can't cure...or hugs.

If I could ever have a daughter, she would never forget how much she was loved...

                                                                        If I could ever have a daughter...

You're contagious...

It's a weird feeling.

Like a golf ball is bouncing around in your stomach, desperately trying to jump out of your throat.

Then it bounces back down again....

and again....

                   and again. 

Then, your heart starts to pound...

your mind races and spins....

spins....

     spins...

Oh,

...Love... 

What a terrifying disease.

Silence was a friend indeed...

I have a very active brain.

I lie awake in bed some nights, unable to sleep because my mind just doesn't seem to want to shut up. I fight with it sometimes; argue with the tiny voice inside of me that doesn't seem to want to be still...

So, I write....

and write...

     and think....

Lately, I've been contemplating what the world would be like without things like computers, social media or text messaging. Who would YOU still talk to? Who would you take the time to visit? Would you write someone a letter? Would you actually pick up the phone and call a friend?

I get quite frightened sometimes and start to believe that the world has grown quite cold...and I'm not speaking about the frigid drop in temperture outside. It has become apparent to me that no one really seems to take the time for one another any more.

When was the last time you received a love letter? The last time you got a phone call? The last time someone stopped by your house to say hello?

 I must admit, however, that I use technology quite frequently. I text people all the time. I use Facebook everyday. I'm typing on a computer right now! Still, as I contemplate why I do these things, I realize that it's because I feel so disconnected from the people I once knew, the people I love, the people I call friends; I have no alternative then to use these new age communication tools.

So, how do we change this as a society? How can we connect to one another again? Truth is, I don't think we can. We will eventually all have to unplug. Whether or not it is in this world or in the next. For me, I want to be able to learn to communicate in this life.....because once darkness sets in....how are we ever going to survive?

Requiem for me...

I've been dead for a very long time.

For as long as I can remember, my heart has wallowed in this dark realm of fear and loathing for myself. For years, anyone who even remotely tried to bring any type of brightness to my world would be scratched at like the Jabberwocky.


I cannot even begin to explain why....

Was it pain?

fear...

selfishness? 

I'm really not sure...and I hurt a lot of people because of it.

Today, as the last day of the year is upon me...I am finally ready to allow sunlight into the darkness....

While, I cannot promise that darkness wont creep in again, and I cannot confirm that I will not bite...
I can remain faithful to the fact that I am willing and able to bear all of the wounds of my soul and try...

For the first time in my life...

My God...

                     
                     I am willing to try!


So, this is my Mass of Remembrance....

To the darkness...

To the past....

          To the pain....

May it eternally rest in peace....

and May I continue to LIVE eternally in peace.

Welcome to Midnight...

Another year almost gone....

And, I just realized that I have achieved the greatest of accomplishments....

I survived.

I must admit, however, this year was far from productive and conducive to actually living my life and feeling any semblance of being alive.
I spent most days and nights alone in my small one bedroom apartment.
If I went anywhere, it was to work, therapy sessions, the grocery store, or to spend time with the one person that I can and always will call a friend.


As I look back on it all, I can barely even remember where the last year of my twenties went or who I really spoke to, shared my thoughts with, gave my heart to or made memories with, because in reality....I didn't.


The only person I truly and deeply fell in love with this year was myself.


I found my voice again. Found solace within all the darkness I have in my soul. Embraced the depths and layers of my mind...and found beauty between all of them.

From all of it...I have found creativity and a language only I understand.
(I hope one day I will find someone that has patience enough to listen)

I found the paradox that I have so much love inside of me that it hurts, but despite the pain....I have only more love to give....and I will NEVER give up.

I also found that, although, I am indeed a cynic...I have the ability to trust and allow myself to be open to whatever life throws my way.
Simply because....I have and continue to survive.

So, cheers to you 2013. You have been a blessing to my life. I never thought I would have come this far.

I believe that 2014 and 2015 and so forth can only become more eye opening from here......

Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all...

If I could offer the world one piece of advice it would be to....

Always. Take. Chances.

Whether it be a new job, a new relationship, or moving somewhere completely out of your comfort zone, never pass up those opportunities when they arise. You never know when you will get the chance again.

Laugh.

Be kind to yourself. Allow others to do the same.

Accept your flaws. In the end, these are the things that make you unique and beautiful.

Love yourself, and allow others to love you too. Even if it is scary and you may get hurt. Love is the greatest emotion humans are graced with.

Don't be afraid of what the future may hold. No one has a crystal ball to see their life unfold. Frankly, even if you were given one, would you really want to look?

Make peace with your family. You wont be able to when they are gone.

Forgive. Forgive everyone....even yourself.

Accept help. Don't allow your pride to get in the way. If you are struggling, let people help you when you fall down. You will be thankful you did, and so will they.

Breathe. No matter how bad it is, how angry you get, just remember to breathe....this too shall pass.

Dance.

Listen. When you take the time to listen to others, the world teaches you more than you could ever imagine.

Most importantly, and please, trust me on this....

Always.

             Take.

                      Chances. 

Heart full of Love; Mouth full of venom.

I have a confession....

I cannot manage my emotions very well.

Okay, okay...that's not really a confession; an OBVIOUS statement, yes.

I guess I'm now more willing to admit, accept, and OWN up to the fact that I am an emotional wreck most days.

But, I try not to be.

Truth is, I can't manage my heart because I feel way too much. I see way too much. I hear way too much. And the results are always the same....I end up SPEAKING way too much.

My mind goes into a whirlwind of twisted impossibilities that subsequently, turn the whole world against me.

Why can't I just MAKE. IT. WORK.

I got written up at work the other day; second time since I started working there four months ago. Problem is, I'm doing my job VERY WELL. I'm managing horrible and volatile cases of abused children with excellence....but I'm NOT managing my own life...and I'm getting punished for it. TWICE.

But, I am human. I am an ODD human. I am an expressive human. I am an emotional human. I say what I feel, when I feel it and who I feel it for.

And, I understand this about myself. I understand it's a huge issue. I get that. My mouth has gotten me in trouble my whole life.

But, how do I change who I am to fit into a mold of who I am not?

I know, I have to just MAKE. IT. WORK.....somehow.


  

Roadside Inspiration

All the words have been written
And all the songs have been sung
And the emotions are all gone. 

But your eyes are so blue. 

The bars fill on the weekends.
And the men drink too much. 
And the women always feel 
Ugly. 

But you...
And your eyes...

Are always so blue. 

Sitting, talking, writing...

dreaming...

Because you...
And your eyes....

Are always so blue... 

And, I, Sit.

The room is so loud.
Crowded.
Full of life.

Yet, I sit. Lonely.
Empty.

I hear people's conversations.
I listen to them while they tell me stories.

About their life.
Their kids.
Their jobs.

And I sit. Lonely.
Empty.

And I think.

Is this how it's supposed to be?
Is this how I'm supposed to be?

Rude. Ignorant. Mean. Selfish. Arrogant. Sheltered.
Happy? 

Am I the weird one?

And I sit. Lonely.
Empty.

Why can't I join them?
It seems so easy.

And yet I sit. In this crowded room.
Lonely.
Empty. 

10 second Poetry.

He prefers me quiet. His emotional punching bag.
Spewing his inner demons on me
for hours.

For days.

The light in the hallway flickers.
I stare at it gracelessly, trying to block out the noise.

He notices.

I return to his stare.

Empty.
Cold.
Alone.

He prefers me quiet. 

In a nutshell...I'm pretty nuts.

I'm broke, I'm moody, I get angry at the slightest implications of being taken advantage of...

I am restless, I am lonely, I want nothing more than to love and be loved in return....

I'm messy, I'm unorganized, I am hard to handle....

I'm loud, I party too much, I'm a smoker....


But, I am also...


Strong, independent, I am able to recognize my flaws....

I am accepting of others, I am willing to bend when needed....

I am unique, I am intelligent....

I see the world through different eyes....

I am able to stand on my own two feet, no matter how many time I get knocked down...

I am beautiful, I am creative...

I am compassionate, I love completely...

I have layers...so many that, even I have yet to uncover them all.

So, for those who are willing to accept BOTH parts of me...I welcome you into my world.

It might not be all that fabulous at times....but I can say this....you will be missing out on one hell of a party.

Please wipe your feet before you tread on my feelings....

I really thought that LOVE would save us all...

     In twenty-seven days, I will celebrate my third decade of existence on this planet. I'm wondering, however, what does this mean exactly? 30....Thirty....fucking THIRTY!!! I mean, according to the societal stigma placed on women, I'm supposed to be married and have like 3 offspring by now, right? If I was a tiger, I would have been past my prime decades ago, but...the fact is folks, I'm not a tiger, or a frog, or a horse, or, apparently, a normal female. No, because I look at love and life a little differently.

Are you married?

No.

You have any kids?

No.

*Assuming I am now a lesbian*

       Ohhhh...

    No, I am not a lesbian (sorry to ruin that image for ya). And, no I am not a 'man-basher' or feminist, or whatever else people think of me because I'm 30 and still single. I'm just not ready to settle. I'm not ready to put myself in a position where I'm searching for an escape route. And I also dont see view love as a jail sentence.
    When I love someone...I love them with everything I have. Physical, emotional, material, mental....everything I have...is theirs. And while, some may argue this isn't the best approach...it's my approach and it's my emotions.

Truth is.....

Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, or maybe I'm just a fool. But....It's been brought to my attention recently, that I deserve more than what I've been seeking. I'm confused by this sentiment. Frankly, if I want something, isnt that what I deserve? I mean....I'm allowed to be selfish every now and then right? Maybe I'm not making any sense right now....I dont know if I ever make any sense. Maybe thats my problem....communication.

But, how do you communicate love? I think I do a pretty damn good job at showing it. I know I say it enough. I know I do enough....what more do they want?
It just seems like no one wants my passion....there is always someone better. Always someone prettier....someone with bigger tits. Someone smarter. I cant compete anymore....and I'm tired of trying. 

Warning: May cause extreme uncomfortablness. Proceed with Caution.

I have not written a blog in quite sometime. To be honest, I haven't written anything in a long time.

But, why Amy?

Well, to be honest...I'm afraid. Pouring my feelings out onto a screen is not an easy thing all the time. Especially when every single time I write, I get judged for what I think. This doesn't only happen when it comes to my words.

More often than not, I'm NOT happy. I don't feel fabulous. I don't feel great...fuck, I don't even feel okay with myself. It's a struggle to make it through the day sometimes without wanting to throw in the towel or run to the nearest liquor store and drown my sorrows in a bottle of vodka.

Oh, I'm sorry...is this making you uncomfortable?

This is the problem. We walk around the world pretending that everything is just fine. We ask people we see how they are doing and don't really care or wait for their response. It is second nature to us to simply respond with an I'm fine/good/great. When in reality, you probably just got done crying in the bathroom.

So, why even ask when you dont really give a shit or do not want to hear the real answer?

The truth is, we all struggle with saddness every once in a while. So, why can't we be honest about it?? We keep this emotion locked away like it's some sort of disease. Boys are taught from a young age that crying is NOT acceptable behavior, girls are taught that crying is okay but never show your misery in public. You must always put on a happy face. Why does this emotion make people feel so awkward?

Ya know there's a pill for that.

Yes, of course there is. Because as soon as someone feels something that is anything less than positive...well...that's just ludicrous.

Here ya go honey. Swallow this pill, it will make you happy again.   

My point here is that we shouldn't be ashamed of our raw, naturally occurring human emotions. Life is fucking hard...and having bad days is completely normal.

  
 So you have yourself a good, sad, bad, great, happy, miserable, or whatever the fuck kind of day you want to have. If you want to talk about it later, I'll be here to listen. I'm not afraid.

Love to all.

 

Happy Birthday, 'Murica!

On the eve of America's birthday, I thought it would be appropriate to give a shout out to how awesome our country is. So, here are a few tid bits of what you can expect when you enter the land of the free and the home of the brave.

*Only in America can you get a pizza delivered to your house faster than an ambulance.

* Only in America it is legal to have sex with a horse in 26 states but only 6 states have allowed gay marriage. 

*Only in America is a cheeseburger .99 cents but a salad costs $4.99.

*Only in America you can buy cigarettes at the front entrance of a pharmacy but have to walk to the back of the store for medication. 

* Only

 in

America....

I could go on but...do I really need to after this one: 
 

  So, thanks USA! You Rock my socks. Also, NSA: I hope you are enjoying my naughty and quite hilarious text conversations I have on a daily basis. :)

What you see is what you get.

 Crazy.

Weirdo.

Chaotic.

Cynical.

   
      People I meet in life are not always that nice to me. I'm learning each day, however, to accept these realities as the universes way of letting me know that everyone has their issues, and the things people say to me are just reflections of their own insecurities.
    I have been told, on several occasions, that I open up too much to people. I put myself out there too soon....I expose myself to the core too frequently....and this is what allows others to hurt me. My vulnerabilities show and people take advantage of that.
Still, as much as some may see that as a flaw...I truly think thats the best part about myself....

I have been blessed with the GENUINE gene...I believe I inherited that from my Mama. 

   I am an open book...right down to my physical flaws. I don't wear makeup, I never got braces, I don't use padded bras...I rarely wear heels. Because, you see....You gotta love yourself and you have to let people love you....the REAL you. Showing off all your not so prettiness, allowing others to see that some days, you just don't feel like smiling, or showering...or even getting off the damn couch is OKAY!  Those days that you feel unaccomplished and vulnerable, and you can show others that you are just like them is fucking beautiful. Because, lets face it....we all feel that way sometimes.
   So, no...I am not going to hide who I am or try to "fix" what is less than perfect about myself. We are all flawed; that is what makes us special. 
  So, even if I am cynical, crazy, weird and chaotic....I am also...

Beautiful.

Creative.

Funny.

Amazing.

And so so so much more....

I am who I am...and I make no apologies for that. Neither should you.

I'm sorry, you're too poor to live here...please move to a different country.

Welfare.

   Nothing gets my blood boiling, my heart racing, my stomach turning more than the welfare debate. Please, do not read any further if you are an ignorant jackass that cannot tell the difference between his ass and his head.
   Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let me continue....
   Let me begin by admitting to all who are reading that I am on welfare. *GASP*

She must be lazy!

Get a job!!

Maybe you should go back to school and get an education?!

Oh, I didn't realize you were paying with FOOD STAMPS!

     Yes, all of the above statements have been said to me and about me. No, I am not lazy. In fact, I have been working since I was twelve years old. My first job, aside from assisting my older brother with his paper route, was a babysitting job for my next door neighbor. Since then, I've been working non-stop at various places, such as restaurants, retail stores, animal shelters and the like.
     Furthermore, I am educated. I have two college degrees. I was, unlike a lot of people in this country, fortunate enough to go to school, obtain an education and graduate with honors. Since I graduated in 2007, I have been working in the social services field; I have yet to find anything full-time. Because of this, I've been working at least two to three jobs at a time just to get by. None of these jobs provide any type of fringe benifits and unfortunately, for me, I need constant medical attention.
     For the past 13 years, I have been in and out of hospitals, Dr. offices, switched on and off of medicines, and had tests as well as surgeries performed. So, unless you have been blessed with optimal health and never had to deal with any part of the medical or pharmaceutical industry, you will know that it is extremely expensive. Opening the door and walking into a Doctor's office alone can cost you up to $100.00 and without medical coverage, the bills can collect rather quickly. In 2008, I was recieving my life sustaining medication through programs that were offered through the pharmacutical companies (my meds cost $1,400.00 a month out of pocket) while paying for my doctor visits via credit card. Some personal circumstances arose and my medication supply diminshed, which led me to not take the correct dosage, eventually landing me in the hospital for eight days.

Now what the hell do I do? 

     So, I had no other choice but to apply for WELFARE! Yup, that's right folks, medical assistance IS welfare. Some of you may be thinking:

Duh, why didn't she just pay for her own health insurance?

   Well, there is a little thing called the pre-exsisting illness clause. Basically, that means that, you can buy health care through a company (if they let you) for at the very least $450.00 a month. The only problem is, you will NOT be covered for your condition for one year. So, that's like buying a car you can't drive for a whole year...and....well, I'm not an idiot. So, medical assistance was my only option. 

But this is different, Amy!  

Hmmm....and, how is that? Because, I am taking the time to EXPLAIN my situation....when, in reality, it's really no ones buisness. By the way, I'm NOT done yet.

Three months ago, I got laid off from my job. The company I worked for were real pricks and when I filed for unemployment, they denied me. So, there I was, no job, no income, no savings....FUCK! How am I going to pay my rent; how am I going to make my car payment or my other bills; how the hell am I going to buy food?? *SIGH* Once again, I had to seek help. I deserve to eat just as much as those who have sustainable income do. So, I trudged my way to the assistance office, IPhone in hand, and applied for Food Stamps.
    Yes, I have an IPhone. Yes, I have a pretty nice, newer car. Yes, I have a Coach purse (Its fake). Yes, I have a tattoo, and, yes...I dress nice. There is no rule book for being poor. There is no law stating that if you are poor...you must automatically dress like a scumbag. I shop at consignment shops and look just as nice as the chick who just spent $80.00 on a dress at the Mall. My point is, I had all of these things before I fell on hard times, but I am now going to be judged because I'm going through a rough patch? I think this country needs a lesson on empathy.

Oh, that's right...Sorry, Mr. Romney...I must have forgot...

 

 

But, Amy, the majority of the people on welfare don't need to be on it. They are abusing the system...most of them are drug addicts....

Oh...Well, bust my buttons...I had NO idea! Please, tell me where you receive your information, or are you simply generalizing? So, if I say that the majority of black people are thieves....does this give me the right to automatically think and say that ALL black people are going to rob me when I see one?  

Quick, hide yo' shit girl! The black folk are comin'! 

Of course not because that would be racisit! But, if I work in a grocery store and I know tomorrow is 'food stamp' day....it's okay for me to say/think/post on Facebook....

OMG. So I just totally had a girl at the store pay with food stamps while she was playing on her Iphone and sporting a Gucci wallet. She then got into a really nice car! Wish I could live off of the system!

 Makes sense.....

I have just one very simple point to this whole story:

 Do Not Judge What You Don't Understand.

     Educate yourself before you make assumptions about others....and please, please, pleaseeeeeee...........if you think that tax breaks for the rich are NOT the same as any type of welfare for the poor....you have some serious mind control issues going on...as a good friend of mine once stated: "It's all government cheese no matter how you slice it."
 
Namaste.