If I could ever have a daughter...

If I could have a daughter, I would do everything in my power to keep her safe, happy, healthy and warm.

If I could ever have a daughter, I would teach her that sticks and stones can and will break her bones, but words.....words can cut deeper than any object.

If I could ever have a daughter I would teach her that the two most important things you can have in this life are Love and Respect....

....but you cannot have one without the other. 

If I could ever have a daughter, she would know the difference between fairy-tales and reality and that she is indeed a princess, despite the presence of a tiara or prince.

If I could ever have a daughter, she would be allowed to play with barbies and look at fashion magazines if she wanted to, but she would know that true beauty comes from within the soul.

If I could ever have a daughter, I would paint her room the night sky, so she would never be fearful of the dark. The sky is a reminder that there are no limits to her life when there are footprints on the moon.

If I could have a daughter, I would teach her the value of a dollar, but the quality of a life.

If I could ever have a daughter, I would remind her just how beautiful the world can be, even when it seems vicious and cruel.

If I could ever have a daughter I would help her realize the importance of her homework, because even though we may not use most of this information as adults, it's the responsibility that we carry with us throughout our lifetime.

If I could ever have a daughter, I would tell her to go after the boy who will eventually break her heart, but remember that her mama will be here waiting at the door with chocolate and a warm embrace. Because there is very little chocolate can't cure...or hugs.

If I could ever have a daughter, she would never forget how much she was loved...

                                                                        If I could ever have a daughter...

You're contagious...

It's a weird feeling.

Like a golf ball is bouncing around in your stomach, desperately trying to jump out of your throat.

Then it bounces back down again....

and again....

                   and again. 

Then, your heart starts to pound...

your mind races and spins....

spins....

     spins...

Oh,

...Love... 

What a terrifying disease.

Silence was a friend indeed...

I have a very active brain.

I lie awake in bed some nights, unable to sleep because my mind just doesn't seem to want to shut up. I fight with it sometimes; argue with the tiny voice inside of me that doesn't seem to want to be still...

So, I write....

and write...

     and think....

Lately, I've been contemplating what the world would be like without things like computers, social media or text messaging. Who would YOU still talk to? Who would you take the time to visit? Would you write someone a letter? Would you actually pick up the phone and call a friend?

I get quite frightened sometimes and start to believe that the world has grown quite cold...and I'm not speaking about the frigid drop in temperture outside. It has become apparent to me that no one really seems to take the time for one another any more.

When was the last time you received a love letter? The last time you got a phone call? The last time someone stopped by your house to say hello?

 I must admit, however, that I use technology quite frequently. I text people all the time. I use Facebook everyday. I'm typing on a computer right now! Still, as I contemplate why I do these things, I realize that it's because I feel so disconnected from the people I once knew, the people I love, the people I call friends; I have no alternative then to use these new age communication tools.

So, how do we change this as a society? How can we connect to one another again? Truth is, I don't think we can. We will eventually all have to unplug. Whether or not it is in this world or in the next. For me, I want to be able to learn to communicate in this life.....because once darkness sets in....how are we ever going to survive?

Requiem for me...

I've been dead for a very long time.

For as long as I can remember, my heart has wallowed in this dark realm of fear and loathing for myself. For years, anyone who even remotely tried to bring any type of brightness to my world would be scratched at like the Jabberwocky.


I cannot even begin to explain why....

Was it pain?

fear...

selfishness? 

I'm really not sure...and I hurt a lot of people because of it.

Today, as the last day of the year is upon me...I am finally ready to allow sunlight into the darkness....

While, I cannot promise that darkness wont creep in again, and I cannot confirm that I will not bite...
I can remain faithful to the fact that I am willing and able to bear all of the wounds of my soul and try...

For the first time in my life...

My God...

                     
                     I am willing to try!


So, this is my Mass of Remembrance....

To the darkness...

To the past....

          To the pain....

May it eternally rest in peace....

and May I continue to LIVE eternally in peace.

Welcome to Midnight...

Another year almost gone....

And, I just realized that I have achieved the greatest of accomplishments....

I survived.

I must admit, however, this year was far from productive and conducive to actually living my life and feeling any semblance of being alive.
I spent most days and nights alone in my small one bedroom apartment.
If I went anywhere, it was to work, therapy sessions, the grocery store, or to spend time with the one person that I can and always will call a friend.


As I look back on it all, I can barely even remember where the last year of my twenties went or who I really spoke to, shared my thoughts with, gave my heart to or made memories with, because in reality....I didn't.


The only person I truly and deeply fell in love with this year was myself.


I found my voice again. Found solace within all the darkness I have in my soul. Embraced the depths and layers of my mind...and found beauty between all of them.

From all of it...I have found creativity and a language only I understand.
(I hope one day I will find someone that has patience enough to listen)

I found the paradox that I have so much love inside of me that it hurts, but despite the pain....I have only more love to give....and I will NEVER give up.

I also found that, although, I am indeed a cynic...I have the ability to trust and allow myself to be open to whatever life throws my way.
Simply because....I have and continue to survive.

So, cheers to you 2013. You have been a blessing to my life. I never thought I would have come this far.

I believe that 2014 and 2015 and so forth can only become more eye opening from here......