Silence was a friend indeed...

I have a very active brain.

I lie awake in bed some nights, unable to sleep because my mind just doesn't seem to want to shut up. I fight with it sometimes; argue with the tiny voice inside of me that doesn't seem to want to be still...

So, I write....

and write...

     and think....

Lately, I've been contemplating what the world would be like without things like computers, social media or text messaging. Who would YOU still talk to? Who would you take the time to visit? Would you write someone a letter? Would you actually pick up the phone and call a friend?

I get quite frightened sometimes and start to believe that the world has grown quite cold...and I'm not speaking about the frigid drop in temperture outside. It has become apparent to me that no one really seems to take the time for one another any more.

When was the last time you received a love letter? The last time you got a phone call? The last time someone stopped by your house to say hello?

 I must admit, however, that I use technology quite frequently. I text people all the time. I use Facebook everyday. I'm typing on a computer right now! Still, as I contemplate why I do these things, I realize that it's because I feel so disconnected from the people I once knew, the people I love, the people I call friends; I have no alternative then to use these new age communication tools.

So, how do we change this as a society? How can we connect to one another again? Truth is, I don't think we can. We will eventually all have to unplug. Whether or not it is in this world or in the next. For me, I want to be able to learn to communicate in this life.....because once darkness sets in....how are we ever going to survive?

Requiem for me...

I've been dead for a very long time.

For as long as I can remember, my heart has wallowed in this dark realm of fear and loathing for myself. For years, anyone who even remotely tried to bring any type of brightness to my world would be scratched at like the Jabberwocky.


I cannot even begin to explain why....

Was it pain?

fear...

selfishness? 

I'm really not sure...and I hurt a lot of people because of it.

Today, as the last day of the year is upon me...I am finally ready to allow sunlight into the darkness....

While, I cannot promise that darkness wont creep in again, and I cannot confirm that I will not bite...
I can remain faithful to the fact that I am willing and able to bear all of the wounds of my soul and try...

For the first time in my life...

My God...

                     
                     I am willing to try!


So, this is my Mass of Remembrance....

To the darkness...

To the past....

          To the pain....

May it eternally rest in peace....

and May I continue to LIVE eternally in peace.

Welcome to Midnight...

Another year almost gone....

And, I just realized that I have achieved the greatest of accomplishments....

I survived.

I must admit, however, this year was far from productive and conducive to actually living my life and feeling any semblance of being alive.
I spent most days and nights alone in my small one bedroom apartment.
If I went anywhere, it was to work, therapy sessions, the grocery store, or to spend time with the one person that I can and always will call a friend.


As I look back on it all, I can barely even remember where the last year of my twenties went or who I really spoke to, shared my thoughts with, gave my heart to or made memories with, because in reality....I didn't.


The only person I truly and deeply fell in love with this year was myself.


I found my voice again. Found solace within all the darkness I have in my soul. Embraced the depths and layers of my mind...and found beauty between all of them.

From all of it...I have found creativity and a language only I understand.
(I hope one day I will find someone that has patience enough to listen)

I found the paradox that I have so much love inside of me that it hurts, but despite the pain....I have only more love to give....and I will NEVER give up.

I also found that, although, I am indeed a cynic...I have the ability to trust and allow myself to be open to whatever life throws my way.
Simply because....I have and continue to survive.

So, cheers to you 2013. You have been a blessing to my life. I never thought I would have come this far.

I believe that 2014 and 2015 and so forth can only become more eye opening from here......

Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all...

If I could offer the world one piece of advice it would be to....

Always. Take. Chances.

Whether it be a new job, a new relationship, or moving somewhere completely out of your comfort zone, never pass up those opportunities when they arise. You never know when you will get the chance again.

Laugh.

Be kind to yourself. Allow others to do the same.

Accept your flaws. In the end, these are the things that make you unique and beautiful.

Love yourself, and allow others to love you too. Even if it is scary and you may get hurt. Love is the greatest emotion humans are graced with.

Don't be afraid of what the future may hold. No one has a crystal ball to see their life unfold. Frankly, even if you were given one, would you really want to look?

Make peace with your family. You wont be able to when they are gone.

Forgive. Forgive everyone....even yourself.

Accept help. Don't allow your pride to get in the way. If you are struggling, let people help you when you fall down. You will be thankful you did, and so will they.

Breathe. No matter how bad it is, how angry you get, just remember to breathe....this too shall pass.

Dance.

Listen. When you take the time to listen to others, the world teaches you more than you could ever imagine.

Most importantly, and please, trust me on this....

Always.

             Take.

                      Chances. 

Heart full of Love; Mouth full of venom.

I have a confession....

I cannot manage my emotions very well.

Okay, okay...that's not really a confession; an OBVIOUS statement, yes.

I guess I'm now more willing to admit, accept, and OWN up to the fact that I am an emotional wreck most days.

But, I try not to be.

Truth is, I can't manage my heart because I feel way too much. I see way too much. I hear way too much. And the results are always the same....I end up SPEAKING way too much.

My mind goes into a whirlwind of twisted impossibilities that subsequently, turn the whole world against me.

Why can't I just MAKE. IT. WORK.

I got written up at work the other day; second time since I started working there four months ago. Problem is, I'm doing my job VERY WELL. I'm managing horrible and volatile cases of abused children with excellence....but I'm NOT managing my own life...and I'm getting punished for it. TWICE.

But, I am human. I am an ODD human. I am an expressive human. I am an emotional human. I say what I feel, when I feel it and who I feel it for.

And, I understand this about myself. I understand it's a huge issue. I get that. My mouth has gotten me in trouble my whole life.

But, how do I change who I am to fit into a mold of who I am not?

I know, I have to just MAKE. IT. WORK.....somehow.